My ice cold morning starts

with the tought that 

im all alone. 

iSomehow its no surprise

I suppose 

you dont love me at all.

but my mind is still all clear

theres nothing that breaks me apart 

not again 

so i refuse 

to say hello to my pain,

and it hurts even more.

Every moment 

I am like taking 

one feather down 

but it aint 

like drowning 

cause the colors i see

cause coloring me

in death of 

blindness 

for the color that 

painted me

my heart skips a beat and 

im struggling to be on my feet

but i still have got two

maybe my next 

frozen moment

will be like a hairstring in air

but i hope it wont take my brathe

Drink to that

hi , i suppose you just met me.

I cross my fingers and hold out for the penalty.

Get the best of me

I miss you . you died on me. 

I still dont spend a day not thinking of you . 

i just stopped thinking about you all the time 

now i just remember you twice a day

once i wake up and once i go to sleep and sometimes 

when i see your cross on the table.

but i hope you know 

i found someone , and he makes me happy 

sometimes he makes me sad but mostly 

im really glad i have someone like him by my side

so wish me luck and 

dont be mad since your 

not here anymore

sometimes i wish you were but 

id still choose him over you.

Cause i have got far too many

but every singel one 

Im proud of.

cause the pain is the only thing keeping me alive

those memories

not the tought of what could have been 

nor what should have been or how

im fine the way things worked out for me

afterall im the strong girl

i will just smile

and spit on everything else.

Yes i know. 

I know me fine and well 

i know me 

sick and dead

I do

And i smell like ashes and fire from grilling 

i love our space of hope 

and little bonfires and grilling and

the heavy lifters find food and take a knife thingy 

Lock me up 

i promise you 

you will never see me smile.

not once again 

You wont see me cry 

not once again 

you wont hear me scream 

not once again

you wont hear my laugther 

not once again

not once again will i giggle at your jokes

not once again will i moan 

not once again will i smile 

not once again will i be me 

so 

lock me up 

and strip yourself of me 

and every ounch of humanity.

cause we both know you think you can

the truth is

You cant . 

You cant stop me from anything.

Cause i am strong 

and i wont be on my knees.

I dont care for wrong or right.

But i will give you the day 

that i wont be anywhere to be found.

sest ma olen habras , 

And i feel like 

Like an empty basket

filled finally with apples

but theres no sugar 

just the sour sound of hope

as i stretch out my hands

and tiggle my claws 

pulling on the leather 

my skin is not hiding any tones

as my notes are unreadable.

I could make it easy 

but i never do 

I could let go 

but i never will 

These images running trought my head

these ideas

and everything i want to write 

its there and the next moment its gone

and im stuck with this hesitation 

cause i cant find a way to 

put it on paper 

im like a broken typewriter

maybe i just lost my memory card. 

Im here , and once again im gone.

I watched the setting sun '

so unsettled as i feel 

i watched the whole moon 

damn theres no clouds i can hide behind.

but i love myself.

I love every damn thing i do.

Cause im just that proud to be me.

theres noone else

who could be ME.

Its not really that full of conspiracy or hatred 

its not anything smart nor gutful.

its just being plain too way mindfucking simple.

paradise

So my Paradise Life has ended
Back in action  work n shit.
Its raining, everything is dark n gray
Its cold.
some things just never change.
I feel empty as always
im still glad the the sun is not shining
I always feel better if its not.
Well most of the time.
cause i prefer darkness over light.
And blue and green over red and yellow.


So last week was supercute :)
and we had tons of fun.
And we also had our anniversary on friday.
Cant beleve its been a whole year already .
I hope we stay silly like this for forever.
I really do.

I will be working for the next 3 days.
im glad we still have the weekends tho hehe.

I think im addicted to my games tho . :D
Thats so rad.

So i go back to the paradise for today.
I will just roll around the place
reminds me ,
i should clean up a bit later.
For now imma just watch all the crime series i can.


I have lost track of why i even cry.
I just do. -_-

I woke up this morning and i was like HELL YEAH 

Im nolonger in the hospital.

I can tackle you down any minute i want.

I can tickle you all to my hearts content , 

I can give you a good morning kiss 

and i can caress your hair while your asleep. 

how could i ever be more happy :D

The evening is different from the morning.

Now i feel wide awake.

Full of hope.

I feel like a ticking timebomb,

maybe more like a racecar waiting for the green light

waiting for the race to start engine going RAWR .

The song is a different story. I wonder if the person will understand.

I hate this place.

Its as if all the clocks have stopped.

time just has stopped.

the 4th day of stay in the hospital 

started hours ago.

nothing has happened.

Just staring out of the window and waiting for the doctor to come

or call me or whatever

I just want to go home already.

I havent cried yet.

Today i prolly will.

Well i already am.

I just want to go home. 

Im finally breaking apart into pieces.

Thats just so not me.

I dont want to be here in this hospital where he died.

I hope they will let me home before i crack.

I guess the damage has already been done tho.

The only part of me thats in pain is my heart.

The food mostly sucks.

tastless crap well atleast for a saltmaniac like me XD

I feel like im a burden to my hun too.

since hes wasting hes vacation on coming to see me every day ... 

I dont know whats wrong with me today , 

It must be the weather.