I have never NEEDED anything.

There have been things i have wanted, 

well until i found em quite unreasonable and bleh 

unworthy of my time.

I dont need nor want this feeling tho , 

the feeling of "Do i even Exsist"  followed by a questionmark unseen.

I wish i could fade for most i have , 

I_ wish i could fade formyself too.

So id care less and maybe , 

just maybe, 

I wouldnt always overthink.

Well few hours later, 

few allergypills and some cream later, 

Im fine.

the devil left the house for the mean time.

still just reminded me , how fucking shitty fast

it could turn my life upside down again.

I dont like it.

mirror mirror on the wall

please do tell me all i see are lies, 

My face is red and the burning scar on my chest

im not swallen yet but it troubles me

if it wont back down 

and i havent even colored my hair! 

so wtf!?

i cant go trought all that again.

idk whats happening again.

idk what to do.

i cant do shit .

i feel ugly as hell . im troubled as hell.

i am in hell.

cause i feel like it might stay like this forever that

noone knows whats wrong with me

and so my face just fucksitself up 

ya know whn its in the mood

-Sometimes my heart skips beats just by the thought that 

the next moment you might step into the room.-

-Sometimes my tears come from the toughts of thinking too much about 

the so called "what if"- 

-Sometimes the only thing that frightens me, is ending up back in the cage

back in the same room with violence and back to not being but always feeling alone.- 

-Sometimes i mess up explaining what i mean, So i start stuttering lost for words cause it makes me nervous, that you might lose the important point and the meaning of the #what i ment to say with what i said# -

Yesterday we walked to the middle of the so called big pond "tiik"

it was almost 5 in the morning.

and 12 hours later the ice that carried us even tho we might 

have fallen trought

was prolly just water, 

its just like that.

weather-

sometimes I just get so tired, 

tired oh so damn tired, 

that once you wrap your arms around me

i feel like collapsing

with the surrounding sounds 

as everything just stops 

and finally 

i can just rest with no hesitation.

My label says oh so true

as my heart it screams do i do

My ice cold morning starts

with the tought that 

im all alone. 

iSomehow its no surprise

I suppose 

you dont love me at all.

but my mind is still all clear

theres nothing that breaks me apart 

not again 

so i refuse 

to say hello to my pain,

and it hurts even more.

Every moment 

I am like taking 

one feather down 

but it aint 

like drowning 

cause the colors i see

cause coloring me

in death of 

blindness 

for the color that 

painted me

my heart skips a beat and 

im struggling to be on my feet

but i still have got two

maybe my next 

frozen moment

will be like a hairstring in air

but i hope it wont take my brathe

Drink to that

hi , i suppose you just met me.

I cross my fingers and hold out for the penalty.

Get the best of me

I miss you . you died on me. 

I still dont spend a day not thinking of you . 

i just stopped thinking about you all the time 

now i just remember you twice a day

once i wake up and once i go to sleep and sometimes 

when i see your cross on the table.

but i hope you know 

i found someone , and he makes me happy 

sometimes he makes me sad but mostly 

im really glad i have someone like him by my side

so wish me luck and 

dont be mad since your 

not here anymore

sometimes i wish you were but 

id still choose him over you.

Cause i have got far too many

but every singel one 

Im proud of.

cause the pain is the only thing keeping me alive

those memories

not the tought of what could have been 

nor what should have been or how

im fine the way things worked out for me

afterall im the strong girl

i will just smile

and spit on everything else.

Yes i know. 

I know me fine and well 

i know me 

sick and dead

I do

And i smell like ashes and fire from grilling 

i love our space of hope 

and little bonfires and grilling and

the heavy lifters find food and take a knife thingy 

Lock me up 

i promise you 

you will never see me smile.

not once again 

You wont see me cry 

not once again 

you wont hear me scream 

not once again

you wont hear my laugther 

not once again

not once again will i giggle at your jokes

not once again will i moan 

not once again will i smile 

not once again will i be me 

so 

lock me up 

and strip yourself of me 

and every ounch of humanity.

cause we both know you think you can

the truth is

You cant . 

You cant stop me from anything.

Cause i am strong 

and i wont be on my knees.

I dont care for wrong or right.

But i will give you the day 

that i wont be anywhere to be found.

sest ma olen habras , 

And i feel like 

Like an empty basket

filled finally with apples

but theres no sugar 

just the sour sound of hope

as i stretch out my hands

and tiggle my claws 

pulling on the leather 

my skin is not hiding any tones

as my notes are unreadable.

I could make it easy 

but i never do 

I could let go 

but i never will 

These images running trought my head

these ideas

and everything i want to write 

its there and the next moment its gone

and im stuck with this hesitation 

cause i cant find a way to 

put it on paper 

im like a broken typewriter

maybe i just lost my memory card. 

Im here , and once again im gone.

I watched the setting sun '

so unsettled as i feel 

i watched the whole moon 

damn theres no clouds i can hide behind.

but i love myself.

I love every damn thing i do.

Cause im just that proud to be me.

theres noone else

who could be ME.

Its not really that full of conspiracy or hatred 

its not anything smart nor gutful.

its just being plain too way mindfucking simple.

paradise

So my Paradise Life has ended
Back in action  work n shit.
Its raining, everything is dark n gray
Its cold.
some things just never change.
I feel empty as always
im still glad the the sun is not shining
I always feel better if its not.
Well most of the time.
cause i prefer darkness over light.
And blue and green over red and yellow.


So last week was supercute :)
and we had tons of fun.
And we also had our anniversary on friday.
Cant beleve its been a whole year already .
I hope we stay silly like this for forever.
I really do.

I will be working for the next 3 days.
im glad we still have the weekends tho hehe.

I think im addicted to my games tho . :D
Thats so rad.

So i go back to the paradise for today.
I will just roll around the place
reminds me ,
i should clean up a bit later.
For now imma just watch all the crime series i can.


I have lost track of why i even cry.
I just do. -_-

I woke up this morning and i was like HELL YEAH 

Im nolonger in the hospital.

I can tackle you down any minute i want.

I can tickle you all to my hearts content , 

I can give you a good morning kiss 

and i can caress your hair while your asleep. 

how could i ever be more happy :D

The evening is different from the morning.

Now i feel wide awake.

Full of hope.

I feel like a ticking timebomb,

maybe more like a racecar waiting for the green light

waiting for the race to start engine going RAWR .

The song is a different story. I wonder if the person will understand.

I hate this place.

Its as if all the clocks have stopped.

time just has stopped.

the 4th day of stay in the hospital 

started hours ago.

nothing has happened.

Just staring out of the window and waiting for the doctor to come

or call me or whatever

I just want to go home already.

I havent cried yet.

Today i prolly will.

Well i already am.

I just want to go home. 

Im finally breaking apart into pieces.

Thats just so not me.

I dont want to be here in this hospital where he died.

I hope they will let me home before i crack.

I guess the damage has already been done tho.

The only part of me thats in pain is my heart.

The food mostly sucks.

tastless crap well atleast for a saltmaniac like me XD

I feel like im a burden to my hun too.

since hes wasting hes vacation on coming to see me every day ... 

I dont know whats wrong with me today , 

It must be the weather.

My heart is having a lunar eclipse right now

I will be strong and i wont cry

Just so you know

I have way too many regrets

so i wont be pointing em out.

One by one.

Cause i feel like im falling.

Drowning.

to the deepest of the blue sea.

But please dont worry cause i will fall smiling

Cause i beleve in me

and i can do better

its just a simple whine of a 

girl who grows stronger.

People just spend all their time

striving for something better

Im right here

I have got everything I could have dreamed of

A loving man, who holds me like noone else,

roof over the top of my head and ofc

Lets not forget our little child

Molotheus.

I should and could be happy 

If for a moment my mind would stop whining.

I just want you yo know

you make me smile.

by only looking out of the window 

the colors change 

I see this golden glow 

and the tone of the coldness 

by the sky

I feel free. 

Cause the colors shine so bright.

But the stonehenge like buildings kill my freedom 

cause between warm and cold theres no time 

for simple grey

I lost control over my emotions so 

Im not sure who I am anymore

but for sure i know im not lost

Im just changing sides .

you were my enemy cause you told me the truth

you were my lover cause its always been hide and seek. 

you were my one and only cause you always loved me back

you were my one one and true 

who i had never have to daubt.

you are my best friend my lover and my hatred. 

mostly you are just someone i love the most.

- I could be the darkness -

-Stills wishing to be your light-

I feel like theres nothing left of me

and the bits i have 

they are just a bit too far

i feel loved and happy

but just still 

unknowingly way too sad.

My head thinks the toughts i never 

imagined it would

and as it seems

i live in seperated worlds

emotions and reality feelings and the truth

lies and their worth 

its like i hate honey in my tea.

one day i wont be here to write anything

anymore

but we all know that.

none of anyone will be here to read it either.

so i would like this one person who changed my world

to know

i love you.

i love you so much 

that once i see you happier with someone else 

i will dissapear 

cause i will know 

im not deeded anymore.

'

your smile 

meand the world to me.

My heart beats

but the only thing i feel

Is 

Pain.

I pray and pray

become the prey 

God has forsaken what i beleve in 

I cant walk across the ile , 

not without my tears dropping 

As im prey for my prayers

Pray me in

And pray me out

the skin i shed 

aint of a snake

its the prey i swallowed whole

as i remember

i prayed for none.

I always do whatever this
thing is i call doing
until i stop and realize
i have done nothing.
so i try and try
and still reach the unknowing
cause i dont know what
im supposed to do.
I dont even know what im up to.
My heart could skip beats i wouldnt notice
Its all an illusion i live in.
no pain no harm.
In the end will i stay?
will i vanish?
Will i walk or will i run?
stand my ground ?
and what is that ground
my base my home?
or just another
space worth passing by

mirror mirror on the wall
remember we
we have bet before
bet on looks and bet on life
but in reality we never met
what i see i never like
so tell me now
in shattered pieces
will i like what i see
the next time on the bets we meet.

I have never ever sinned,

thus i do not beleve in god,

Sin me , Sin me into the sinking ship

you call it life, i call it trouble

Trip me down , and watch me fall

a little sinner floats around

Sin with me and Sin alone

Sin is such a sinful fun.

Trouble me , and trouble more

crash the sin into all .

Drown in sin and dig a grave

cherish it and all it gave

in the end the sin will smile

as it waves a sweet goodbye.

sin me into sinful sins.


In loops and loops and so it goes
this sind ends
another starts.
In circles such an endless eight 
the sin is what you take and make.

I wont stop until i can no longer feel
anything and eveyrthing
Cause 
i have prolly met more of mnt Everest than you
And i want to see more.

dead

I might not see 

the devils stare

as it stares right into life

i am never scared or dead

cause my hair aint standing up 

as the feeling and the vibes

flow and pass and wont cut me down.

By colors i have traveled around the globe 

by heart that beats I have never forgotten the sounds.

each and single one so unique 

The waves of color 

color me deeper into the wraps and wastes

of the colors i can not see.

I love the shades of fading colors.

Dream and travel between the worlds you ever meet
one awake and one asleep.
fantasize about the skies
go and fly above the stars
dream of everlasting trees
and wonderlands never broken
undestroyable and stronger more.
Garnish it with sweet raspberries
add some sugar
and some chilli
open up that secret bottle
here it come
the forgotten
most bitter taste of life
makes you smile
as you fall deeper.
into love and out of place
the secrets of untold
the little shine in eyes to keep.

silence

curse the silent screams of silence, 

screaming from beyond the silent .

as they echo into silence 

the city sleeps and makes no sound.

the play of words is on your mind, 

never whispering a word. 

it only yells and screams and tramples 

on your little simple life.

once again you seem to know ,

you really are so far from free, 

cause the silence kills the bits ,

the bits of you

you wish you had. 

Like the silence you walk trought , 

the empty grounds and know your fake.

you never give nor ever take.

Cause the silence that you make , 

to insanity it leads mistakes.

silence my silence.

I can travel back and forth and change the space
never the meaning.
Of the words i have told ,
cant be turned into wrongs and rights
my heart is quietly still beating.
That beat if you can hear it
tells you no tales nor lies.

heh

My mind is building a hostile amazingness around me ,
I am dripping for blood while the unseen sea of blue follows my soul and heart
as it sparkles and seems so carbonized even tho
its just a turqoize poetry of blank white waves
and the red of the fish.
dont drag me there
um out of cigs

For You i mean trouble

Cause im such a personality
I dont mean that i have one.
I Am one.
the conclusion of little bits pushed into a small circle
that your mind overblows
and once you love me
your so stuck

Molotheus Von Kracht.
Ma armastan Sind.

Monster of mine. Indeed.

and

I could kill myself a billion times

and it still would not show what i feel.

But i dont really have to do anything 

to be dead 

cause whatever i do 

i just keep killing bits of me

I guess im such a sacrificial  statue

to all that is lost.

In the end everything i do is wrong.

The things i dont do 

even more so.

I wish i were a book so you could just read and get it.

the point where i stand.

I feel like im getting crushed by my own thinking.

Cause im that damn obvious.

If i only did not love you ever

I would be 

still loving you.

Cause I just do.

even if it hurts or kills me.

Here I am.

Alone.

Waiting for you to shout out my name.

So i could come.

Damn.

I dont have time to play stupid anymore.

I dont know how am i supposed to end this tho.

Cause i dont really want to.

Its not a game afterall.

In the end I cant be the person your looking for.

I cant be someone else.

Its not that i dont love you.

Its cause i do.

And im damn scared of it.

Thats prolly why

at some point

I will do something stupid

to make you leave me

cause im far too weak to walk out on my own.

Cause im more scared of having feelings

thn the fuck called pain

Maybe im just not ment to live for the future.

I prolly have far forgotten how to just be happy even for a tiny moment,

and stop thinking about the things that dont even matter.

So i just think.

Until it kills me.

But thats just selfish.

Im sad and scared and I dont know what to do.

Maybe i will go away for a while.

So it would be as if i were never here.

Its not like i can make you forget tho.

What will i become thn.

Just part of the past i guess.

A lingering feeling of something

silently dissapearing.

Nothing.

What the hell am i even thinking.

Apparently it seems im overthinking ot not thinking at all.

I need to let go of the past.

I really do.

Cause therwise

I will lose everything dear to me

and i wont even notice.

Cause im to busy with whats gone.

Im Sorry.

Ma siis kõnnin minema .
et elu lihtsam oleks.

ja sinu kaunid tseenid need pole väärt miskit 
sest mina olen teistsugune ja katused mulle jalgu ei jää

Kui mul katus sõidab
kaotus on kauge
meenutused kõiguvad
Tuled endiselt põlevad

las siis helisevad telefonid
ja muuseas mölisevad kellad

Anna endast märku
mu kallis kas unustasid minu
ega enam meeles pea

Lase hetkel särda

Lumi mu peopesas sulab, 

kui mälestus milleski. 

veena voolab mu sõrmede vahelt, 

meenutab natuke liiva,

vaid kuld tast sõelale jääb.

Time.

Time just passes by so fast.
Somehow still such a little amount of time ,
feels like eternity to me.
It has passed in a blink of an eye.
Still feels like forever.
I was so mad.
Dissapointed.
Confused.
Sad.
Empty.
Lost.

Now.
I feel alive.
I feel like im finally living my life not someone elses.
I dont have to fight anymore.
I dont have to escape reality.
I can be me.
No more excuses.
No more things left undone.
Noone to stop me.

Im free.
I can finally breathe.
I am not drowning anymore.