Lets pretend im never scared.

Stop following me
I am blind
you see
my heart burns
in small green flames
will you remember me
will you wish for me to be
for me to be
who as i am
or who i wish to be
will you slow my beat
or heat it up
and say you could
for as i now
i do not know
who i am
or what become

Jus so i wouldnt forget the damn song lol

I have tried to figure it out 

for a long long time

what would they feel if i died

what if i was not here

i keep asking

do i have to ?

live for something 

i do not wish to

but each of those smiles

is so so precious

how could i just go

So i must keep going on,

Im still The girl.

Living her life as difficult as possible.

Always  up to something. 

Im always scared , but

i have to be strong

I cant cry.

So i just reschedule my cryings , 

for when i have time to.

Im always on the verge of breaking apart

I never do.

If i were to , i wouldnt be me

I feel weak

prolly cause of the fever and shit 

but 

either way I am weak

and thats fucking awsome.

I dont even look like me anymore

and suprisingly i dont really care

I wont die.

I will always be in your mind, 

fucking with you

your toughts 

and everything 

you smell 

see 

or hear.

In your sleep i will crawl 

crawl into you toughts , 

slowly slowly

driving you insane

But all that mindfuck 

is so much easier alive

so if i ever die

pretend i was never here 

just move on 

Be fucking happiest you have ever been

cause 

if i ever were to die

id be holding my thumbs hoping

you would always be happy 

and lucky 

and do all the things

we didnt have the time for.

Cause I am a redheaded bedhead 

and i do have a temper .

Yellow cards.

Thats all i have been giving out instead of
a red one.

yellow,
damn it 
i hate yellow

sometimes i just get so busy with fucking my own damn brain 
i kinda just forget everything else.
so busy so busy 
with that damn brain that takes me nowhere

Haha, 
sometimes i really wish i were suicidal.

maybe i am , in so to speak of a way.
Its just eternal damage in slow motion.
I wouldnt call it suicide, 
im just killing me softly 
with love and mistakes.

I wont die, cause i dont want to meet you again.

I am nothing but a past sad experience.

am I?

Sometimes, the spring is wonderful.
Overflowing rivers, 
as if washing away all the dirt
before the big bloom.

and yet sometimes , 
all it does is wash the dirt ashore

I wont whine this time.
I have made up my mind,
sure as hell 
i wish i didnt feel that way.
Its all i have got.

the next time i crumble apart i 
im not sure i can build myself up again.
so , I 
I suppose im just letting this pain go.
Stop thinking.
And be an empty shell for a while.
until my heart stops beathing in the right rythm 
and my mind is more thn just an empty page.

Right now im 
dissapointed
lost and hurt.

like always 
ha ha ha

this time , 
i wont let it drop me down below tho.

sure does mean lotsa changes .

I cant bury my rotten soul

not anymore,

it already smells so damn bad

that even you know and see.

All the wounds ,

Im just a simple corpse,

apart from the fact that

i still move and decide on my free will.

but you dont even admit

you dont even see

how damn much you hurt me.

I suppose its my own fault,

cause im never leaving

always here

and i always just bleh forgive.

so , im the

i take you for granted girl

as i have always been

and i cant blame anyone

its the path i chose

its not like i never had the chance to change things

or walk away.

So i wont whine.

Doesnt mean im pleased with it.

I had a dream
a bad bad dream
I was in a rush ,
and i kept falling,
i was trapped inside of a small box
and i just fell and fell
I was struggling to breathe
there was no air
but my pain woke me up.

finally we went iceskating.
i was so happy.
but i fell so many times.
i cant walk on one of my legs
and my ankles hurt
my one arm is kinda broken hehe
its just pretty damn fucking damn painful.
but im a strong girl i will be fine.
he only fell once D
im so damn happy about him ,
i dont know how i will work tomorrow
with my leg like this..
and hands like that
but
i will make it somehow.


somehow

i hope.

The page is blank,
where to start from.
S
Dont blurr my water.

 I will make sure my life
wont be just another dream filled with dreams.
It will all be reality .
Become reality.

And about another matter ,





I suppose the bloodhounds are watching and securing that
the pigs would stay safe be out of harm,
but thn again , pigs will get eaten in the end.

My nose could bleed
but its not bleeding
My heart could skip a beat 
but its beating as hard as it can
My smiles could be counted
as that is said
i could not be afforded to smile no more
but in the end
i wont count the coulds,
so i wave to rules , 
say foolish goodbyes
and smile 
as if there was nothing 
but laughter on earth, .
and all that 
Just because I CAN

My life.
My dreams.
My silent unimportant screams.

I dont have to like what i see
cause its just me against the world.
but im never alone
cause he loves me
he will stand by my side
or so i think 
beleve and hope,

I want to go to the other side of the bridge,
you know 
once you stop breathing 
and you feel like your dead,
but you still see this light
no questions asked.

cause you know whats worth your while.

Im in love with my monsters
and with the demons
as my angels play guitars 
and challenge the life.
Far from the tears and devils will bring.
a little assumptions 
and mostly harsh truth.

At some point i must have made a deal with the devil.
Or so it seems.
Why else would i be so darn sad all the time.
I dont even have a reason to be sad.
I just feel really really sad
with no reason.
So whenever im alone I cry.
And whn im not alone
I try not to cry.
My soul is in pain.
I feel really really lonely
I suppose i always have.
Cause i have never been able to
put my pain into words.
So i cant expect anyone to understand me.
I dont have words to explain this.
I dont know why im just sitting and crying .
Im not thinking about anything.
i have no emotions.
Im just crying.
 On days like this
id just want to get drunk and do whatever
to keep my mind off of this
nothing.

Makes me feel really really small
and worthless.

I dont pity myself,
theres no reason to do that.

I just wish i was never born.

All i do is hurt the people
i love the most with  emotions like this.
I cant even do shit about it.
Im not that strong to keep pretending im fine forever.

Thats okay tho..
Im already broken.
Its not like i can break any further.

I wont apologize.
Cause i cant help feeling like this.

You are my only happyness,
The only one who makes me feel warm
and safe.
For you can smile with my whole heart.
I really really love You.
I hope you know that.

Maybe its not such a bad thing
to have been born
to be alive afterall.
Otherwise , .
I wouldnt have you by my side.
I can survive anything
with you by my side.

rewinded

Sometimes i feel like ,
life simply goes in loops.
somehow after some time ,
i end up with the same feelings.
situations and life are so different
but emotions, toughts .
in the end its like a broken tape
that keeps playing the same song.

im so stuck on who i have to be
that i dont even remember who i am.

Well i suppose
I have always in reality been the girl
who cries the most
lies the most
worries the most
whines the most
the most stupid one.

not the

whatever what people seem to think
well atleast until they get to  know me.

I even whine about myself whining.
really bleh.

even so im actually a quite lucky and a happy person.
I just seem to compress too much negative emotions into packages that explode.
while i give all the happy stuff in me away.

Cause my heart beats and im alive.

I can never turn my back on you 

but whn life comes with beats and struggles

i know you would stand back to back with me

and beat the crap out of all problems.

cause i love you.

cause you love me.

and thats all i need.

I dont wanna walk across my words,

id rtaher the paths my steps have silently ran in.

YOUR JUST ANOTHER EMPtY LIE!

and you spent all that time making me beleve

That i Am Not alone---

why the hell would hurting me bring someone

so much fun

that all my troubles would be nothing 

and 

the tears in my eyes would not be real.

I could count and change the colors

but the colors are never really counted 

for what i count and i hold mine. 

cause i hold the colors of mine.

I wouldnt know what life is like, 

what its worth or how id bleed

cause i have never held NOTHING

on the palm of my hand.

I could be on the verge of oblivion 

maybe starring with the big bliss

I could be stealing my own life away.

I could be in loves debth,

Is there anything i couldnt ... 

oh yes 

i cant revive myself from what once will come.

But thats something i wouldnt want anyways.

Try and steal my demons away

thats like comitting suicide babe.

cause im not giving em up.

- I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING - 

But I need to breathe...

everyone is moving foward, 

striving for something.

travelling, doing, running.

and thn theres ME ,

right here, standing still.

stuck somewhere, 

in my little simple mind.

NOT TAKING A DAMN STEP

thinking

I DONT NEED TO DIE

I AM ALREADY 

DEAD AND BLIND.

Noone asked. If i want to be born , 

even if they did , its no use, i dont remember

all i know is 

i dont belong to this world, 

i dont belong here, 

I dont want to be a part of 

ANY OF THIS EXCEPT...

STEAL MY LIFE AND DRAG ME TO FREEDOM.

REMIND ME WHO I AM.

EVERY TIME I FORGET.

LEAD ME BACK TO TRACK.