Use me to Forget.

And then throw me away.

Forget Everything,

even if its only for a while.

Anything, 

cause i make it possible,

Possible for you to smile.

I hate myself for cryin when there is no reason to.

Cause of you,

i have been doing that too.

You dont even know.

You have no idea, 

i dont think you can even imagine it

in your wildest dreams ,

how much you have hurt me.

If you knew all my bad sides,

you too, 

would hate me.

I just got careless, thinkin you might be different.

I let you in too close.

I dont regret it,

but once again.

Soon, soon

Im going to crawl back into my shell.

But you know,

im not mad , and i dont dislike you

i just hate myself for being so fragile

cause for you 

doing everything you do 

right now , 

is prolly the best thing to do,

to free yourself from it all.

  Im Selfish.

but im not sorry for it.

Oh yes.

Dont think, Just DO.

I once  wanted a bf who i could run to,

with tears running down my face,

and the first thing he would say

would be "Whos ass im kicking babe"

I have this empty feeling in my heart, 

I can feel as it turns into stone.. piece by piece.

Slow and painful.

Soon i wont care,

Im too tired of it.

Im going to rip you out of me.

There is no place 

for somone like you.

Sorry Sannu.

Your too fragile.

To even keep up with yourself.

Im not special.

Im not perfect.

But 

One Day for sure,

i will become 

your fucking Barbie Doll.

In my old notebook, 

there is a page, 

with the word love written on it,

if you look closely,

you can somewhat see it, 

I once spilled water on it

so it faded.

You can only see the pityful leftovers

of its long gone glory 

and imagine, that

its still shining bright.

 

Self destruction.

I wish i had a button for it.

Smells like Suicide, Feels like destruction.

Why do I do this to myself?

I need somone to beat some sense itno my sensless self.

This ise going to destroy me.

This is going to destroy me.

Its going to destroy me.

its fucking going to destroy me.

Destroy me.

ITS FUCKING GOING TO.

I swear.     

My back hurts. 

My head hurts, 

and im drinking coffee.

But you know, 

im too tired to care.

Im tired of being who I am.

I tought it all was behind me already. 

I TOUGHT I WAS OVER IT ALL .

Now its all coming back.

All the things unsaid.

Those pictrues are rampaging inside my head.

NOT AGAIN,

just please,

no...

The snow, was really pretty 

when the train, 

with its one eye, 

made it seem 

as if it was alive 

for a moment there.

I dont understand anything anymore.

I just dont.

I'm just tired of being everyones toy.

I'm tired . 

Just SO FUCKING tired,

I just dont understand myself,

But humans are complicated to begin with,

They cheat on you.

They hate it when you get mad, 

when you dont get mad

they just think you dont really care about em.

They ..

Well what is there that they wouldnt.

I need rain, 

To wash my pain away.

if cuteness could kill.

 PICK ME! XD

 That monkey is me :O !

LUST

Love knows no boundaries such as flesh and blood 

as to exsist it never needed

a beating heart.

SLOTH

...drift completely into the sleep of complacency.

Make a wish.

I wish , i could too.

Today i went to grannys, did this and that and that and this until my hands refused to stop tembling
from the work.
I was so tired, so i decided to sleep for an hour.
When i woke up, i had tears running down my face ,
and  a smile on it.
I had a dream of us , being in a huge shopping centre as it got attacked by
men with guns ,
they started the fire but i just leaned in to give you a kiss while is pushed you behind the corner.
5 bullets in my back you were just on the other side of the glass, but i love you for treasuring the life
i chose to give you sacrificing myself,
I know, you felt my pain as they raped me on the other side of it.
Well i survived, but in the end everything had already changed,
cause you will never look at me with the same eyes you did before.
Or well thats what it seemed like. Who knows, and how could anyone do that
anyways.


I wanna go drinking tomorrow,
Krissy said she would come but shes only free after 4 and im free after 12 in the morning ,
i dont really know what to do with those 4 hours,
maybe i will go and burn it while i can.

Noway in hell, Cause we drink till we die ;D

Dear Sannu Suicidal.

Im writing you to remind you of how utterly happy you should be.You already threw away your lock,
now you just have only a few more bridges to burn so youd have no past to return to,
that way , i hope you do know, your future will seem much brighter.
Right now you prolly feel little bit lost but you should consider this a chance to start anew
maybe not from a spotless white blank page, but from a page where in one corner
there is a friend who somehow seems to understand you creepily too well.
He is one of the coolest people you know, could almost say the second cause Sannu,
you always come first right ;D ( no perverted thinking here please XD) thats why i hope you know, and that he realizes it too, there is a big difference between how you treat him and how you treat others.
Well whatever, you found a teddybearish hugbuddy :D YAY! for you.

Bai-roh :3 Thankyou, for all the times you a´have made me smile. -insert the kitty that was once on your hand here-
Next time, I will let you draw on me again :]

Im finally home, resting, im so tired.
Yesterday was a rough day,
throwing away the lock was pretty easy ,
but for some reason i still feel like
maybe  i should go back and try to find it.
Theres a hole in me somewhere,
and i still havent confirmed what was it ,
that i actually threw away back then.
Why did i even ever get myself that lock?
Did i try to lock myself up? or was it that i really found it cute?
Well i guess it no longer matters anyways.

Ne, have you ever tought that maybe all the things you locked away from yourself
arent that bad afterall and you should try?

Well darling the world is open to us, like the pussy of a whore for the right pay ,
so , lets step into it heh?
I wont hold your hand , but i will give you unlimited amount of hugs and push you foward when you need me to , right now, thats all i can do for you.

 ME WANTSSSSSSSS :O <3

Tremble,And kneel in fear!

Well as for today I have decided that
the moment i get a job im quitting school.
It might not be the best choice,but
I feel like if i dont i will regret it later.
I can always go back to school later again.

 

A few days ago or should i say, around 4 in the morning on 20th march, 

i had a huge breakdown, I spent 3 hours crying

I dont know why.

But i sure did realize that right now, 

i have noone to turn to when i need to.

That night , i rised like a phoenix. 

From the ashes that were left of my mighty kingdom, 

as i could do nothing but stand back and watch , 

as it collapsed inside my mind.

Guess that is what i get for holding too much emotions 

locked up inside for way too long LOL! 

Silly girl i am indeed! :3

Well , thats how its supposed to be.Thats the 4th rule in the book.

We all have dreams, that by now have been forgotten.
I swear upon Sannuland that i will give my best in anything i do.

Cause , I still find it amazing to be alive.

I dont know, what will happen to us,
what will come of us,
or even if the things i can give are enough to make you happy,
but
i will never give up , not before i find the awnsers.

 

I know some of you actually do read it, 

even tho , its silly

stupid and maybe pointless, 

Well thankyou :3 

Cause i think every minute of your life, is precious. 

If you have any questions to me, make sure you ask ohkay :3 

Trought mail,msn,comments whatever, 

Cause i know you do have some.

CIAOUSSU :*

Cuckoo-Clock Heart,

FIRSTLY: dont touch the hands of your cuckoo-clock heart.

SECONDLY: Master your anger.

THIRDLY: never, ever fall in love.For if you do, the hour hand will poke trought your skin, your bones will shatter, and your heart will break once more.

The Boy With The Cuckoo-Clock Heart 

 

I want to read it, cause im sure, it will make me cry.

If you want it just do it!

You can hear it if you really try :D


Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Ossu matame kilekotis, et waltsiraha alles jääks ;D

For your notice , in the end 

no damn was given.

Bleach 313 - I held my tears back cause i know the differnce between a dream and reality, as
my life will never hold such happy endings.

Naruto Shippuuden 203 - Hatred, Friendship, Darkness, I wonder back then, if i had chosen that way who would i be right now?A pityful fool living in the world of pain sacrificing everything for darkness and power? Or a heartless player manipulating your minds? Well maybe, its never too late to find out?

One Piece 490 - I would take hes place anytime, cause its only the pain that makes me feel alive.
And in order to feel even more alive i must fight pain with far stronger pain.Its a snowball on the endless road
downwards and it only keeps getting bigger.

Anyways Its 11:30 and my mom is begging me to help her bake some pies and cakes and whatever.
so i shall be back in a hour or so and continue writing here,
Maybe i will even make a video later,
cause even if noone else misses nor loves me, Justin sure does :3
and i havent been able to talk to him in ages.
Its quite funny as now i dont spend so much time on internet nor computer anymore,
i either sleep or write . LOL!

Well anyways yesterday i went to Haapsalu even tho i was only there for like 1,5 hours or smthing
i think it was quite refreshing.
I do regret not running around naked tho , it would have been hilarious,
so next winter i shall do it, even if its somewhere else.

Someone asked me what takes it for me to hate somone,
and after thinking about it
i think i have managed to found somewhat an awnser to it.
Well youd have to stab me in the back twist the knife
around in me for 3 times, crush my head to the ground ,
jump on me and laugh as you watch me bleed to death.
Or smthing like that,
cause when it comes to emotional suffering,
theres nothing that could break me,
but you know, id hate you the most
If you died to save my life.
Cause im selfish like that.

THE END.

You had me at that smile.

Not as in "Im madly in love with you"

but rather in "Id do anything to see it again"
thats all there is to it.
I was about to write so many stupid things,
and then i realized,
noone cares. Not even me.

I just want to curl up against somones warm chest and sleep peacefully,
without these nightmares,

Ne you know..
your still living in the past.

Just like me.

Ohoh anyways :3 Pyro thinks i should get rid of my lock and get a new one,
so so i decided,
id still like to keep it for as long as i figure out
something better to get,
cause getting another lock ,
would just never let me be free .

jup, thats about it i guess,


"Once all of this ends,
You will have me half-dead,
but no mercy here cause i will be smiling,
as i will feel as if I just got thrown against a wall
with speed passing 400km/h
and after i stood up , the eifel tower
buried me under it.
You just forgot,
i was made of porcelain,
whats left of me is just some dust ,
between the metal."




If i could i would. But since i cant, i will suffer alone.

Maybe i will make a video tomorrow :3

Stay True.

It has been ages,

i feel so damn sad 

i swear i could die

I hate being so weak,

i hate the fact, 

that 99% of the time i cant

understand myself at all 

the most and you know

if i could, id like to run away

this is a war, 

but unlike in the songs, 

im figting alone 

on the frontline.

who am i to blame anyone,

this is the path i chose afterall

I was told not to cry infrnt of others,

cause my tears

are supposedly more precious then diamonds.

I just had one wish, that youd never let go, 

and thats wishing for the impossible, 

you prolly dont even care.

For all the times, 

i have been standing still,

for all the mistakes,

made more thn once

for all the emotions, 

kept inside

and for the words

that werent enough ,

i shall smile for the stars

and for the sky

and for you 

i shall try 

and fly 

i want you to see

that with broken wings

im still 

moving on.

trapped in the past, 

whos gunna save me?

I know , i need you the most,

when i deserve you the least.

Sorry.

Im just so damn sorry,

but i dont pity myself , 

cause 

i can still keep smiling.

Your zipper is wide open ya fool ;D

You are full of empty promises.

Full of holes.

Dont provoke me.

LOL, LOL, LOLOLOLOLOLOL! :)

We are difting aimlessly,

I shall daw, you 

a world that looks like you.

Then maybe you will see 

what you have done to me.

If you love me, 

make me face it. 

Or i will never realize it. 

Miss Impossible, Oh yes I´m PROUD to be!

she can see about four satellites
every minute of the hour
and find a four leaf clover
where you never saw a flower
she's habitually paradoxical a parallel perpendicular

barefoot in nightgowns
that's how she dances in the rain
sundown to sundown, like she was washing way her pain

as she is beatiful, she's unpredictable
damned irresistible, is it plausible to hate her
she is my common sense, revels on decadence
but what's the difference, it's impossible to bait her

she can really be a handful
like the brownes that she bakes you
it can be a tad hysterical,
but never quite the breakthrough
she's some kind of an epitome, the sea of intranquillity

in flimsy nightgowns, barefoot she dances in the rain
sundown to sundown, like she was washing way her pain

as she is beatiful, she's unpredictable
damned irresistible, is it plausible to hate her
she is my common sense, revels on decadence
but what's the difference, it's an impossible debate

The chains are getting rusty babe, you gotta let go.

 

 

 

 

 

Sinu tuhmhallid,
silmad,
jälgivad mu igat liigutust,
sinu kripsus nägu,
jutustab lähenevast mullast.

Sinu värisev käsi,
südamest kõrgemale ei tõuse,
sinu sõndel aga on vägi,
tarkus, mida kasutamast
sa ei väsi.

Talvel, kui sa kukkusid
ja murdsid käe
sa ei nutnud,kurtnud
sest sinu selgroos,
ennemgi juba oli mõra
sinu mälestustest, ammu
kustund,
sest hullematki,
mida unes näed.

Mäletad, siis kui veel oli sõda,
polnud vabat eestit,
Kuid oli ligimees, kes andis abi,
vaatas kust,mida sai

Mõni hoopis andis nuga, 

Peaasi, et endal oleks mugav.
Siis kui talongi kaup veel oli jõus,
ning viinapoe ees seisis rivi,
Kui pommitamises hävis su maja,
kui mälestustes heades,
justkui vastutahtmist,
seal oli õud , mis võttis üle.

Muidugi mäletad,
muidugi mäletad,
kuidas sa saakski mitte.
Aga seda, et mina sinust hoolin?
on sul siis seda raske mõista?
kartus, et sind jäetakse üksi,
ära muretse,
sa ei unune ,
mu kallis vanaema.

 

"But i guess, it doesnt matter.
Life is just a life,
Emotions are just emotions,
The way you act doesnt always matter ,
and toughts
most of them are only to call your own"

 

I wont let my life, become a 

Carnival of Rust. 

but 

I dont mind 

being a clown 

in this circus called "Life"

I love that song.

Illusion and Dream, 

dishonesty. 

That song , maybe you can understand my feelings.

But its the truth, 

at least at this moment, 

for me.

You drive me too...

Out of my mind <3

 

 

NERDS , RAINBOW NERDSSS!

I want em,

I WILL GET EM!

I feel suffocated,

dissapointed

and

as if there was

noone in this world to who

the things i do would matter to.

I'M  TAKEN FOR GRANTED.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

WHY?I ASK YOU FOR GODS SHAKE.,

I went trought all that trouble,

and in the end.

I didnt even get a single thanks.

Well i guess its true,

noone kinda asked me to offer that id do it.

Oh and since you didnt ask ,

even tho you accepted the offer

and to be honest , FULLY ENJOYD IT.

Theres no need to say thanks . :)

I wonder how much hav i spent on others

in my whole lifetime anyways?

its always the same tho :D

in the end,

imma just get backstabed.

So from now on, i will keep the distance .

Yeah...

I will try ...

before that there just might be one more thing

i have to do tho.