Oh it dissapears

Oh it dissapears from me with wet wings on the weighing waves of time. Tomorrow will dissapear with resplendent wings again, like yesterday and today.Until I wiht larger radiating wings , dissapear with the changing time.

Süda järjest kõvemini taob,
kurku kogunemas nutt,
Iga mälestusega mis kaob.
Ei aita siin su lahke jutt.

Valu keha üle võtab võimust
viin ei tundu enam kibe
Siin kasu pole sinu sõimust
Kuigi sinu keel on libe,

Niit niidi haaval katkeb
lootus pimedusse kaob
sinu võrsed alles nõtked
pulksirged mulla vaod.

Esimese tulemata tormini
mida sa veel ei tunne
Esimese olematu vormini,
Kuni talv su matab unne.
Teadmata kuis lugu algas,
ammu unustusse vajund,
Nurgas valmis  on malgas,
teravustada see, mis on hajund

Viin enam ei tundu mõru,
vein morsilik ja jälk,
seest tühi tõru,
kaja üsna kalk,

Minu olematu vorm,
hajub sinus mürkjalt
Minu sisemine torm,
su elu maitseb mõrkjalt.

.Its an endless spiral,
Of who we were n are.

Im turning into a monster, just like you.
you will never read this, you will never know.

Ignite my soul and let it burn,
Let the heat rise to a trillion celsius.

I will shape this world to my liking.

I will judge your life with my unstoppable rage.

I have lost touch with tears and grief.
Hit me, Stomp me and Fall I may,
But my sould will still burn at trillion degrees.
Even the white death rises back up ,
My red hot heart will blow fire into my veins.
I will melt your impurity right off your soul.
My flame boils my belief to intangible strenght
I will feed your energy to my flame.
My soul will burn for an eternity or two.

Veini joon pedekas.

Im wishing my life away, with all these things i leave unsaid.

Its over.

I will get there, so close to my own personal perfection
that i can touch it with my fingertips, just to let it slip away.
Just like someday, you will slip away.
I will let you take me to the tops of the highest mountains
Fingers in the clouds,
I will let you carry me to the depths of the oceans,
being blinded by nothing but you.

If someday I fell in love with you,
Would you mind?
I dont know.
Maybe I should turn my back and run.
But I dont want to.
Really, I dont want to.

Cause you know.
For a moment you melted me,
For a moment I felt safe with you,
For a moment I was overwhelmed by your warmness.

But it all was for a moment.
Then i let fear take over.

Silly me.

Now I ,
I dont even know what It is that Im doing.

If having you means giving you up at the same time,
Then id rather spend one billion forevers all alone.
Its a lie.


I wonder , how many people will read this and wonder if its about them
but you know,
Noone will ask.
They will all keep wondering,
just as i will keep seeking the anwsers on my own.

Dreams they grow, they die
Lets make ours come true.

Im sick of pretending.
I dont even know why I do it.
Everyone knows im doing it.
noone really minds.
Noone really cares,
I dont either.
I do ,
I dont,
I dont know.
I dont want to know.



I will tell you everything, everything.
You just have to ask.

I dont need my one thousand masks anymore.
I dont have to be a liar.
I dont have to tell myself things that aint so.
I dont have to ,
I dont have to.
And Yea ,
you know
I care ,
I do.
It hurts.

Friends are like panties, some of em actually do cover your ass up when you need em to. :O

I ju

I just felt like mentioning that i still havent eatn that fucken lemon and i still want it even tho i have it im still not eating it and i still dont get it.

Past.

http://sannusuicidal.blogspot.com/2010/09/penguins-pink-eggs-with-black-ribbons.html
http://sannusuicidal.blogspot.com/2010/08/your-cock-is-so-small-that-it-cant-even.html
http://sannusuicidal.blogspot.com/2010/08/so-yesterday-when-i-was-staring-out-of.html

"you might be like an open book,

but im not really interested in reading you.
Standing on the edge, I still have the edge.
Blades cant hurt me, your words, they never reached me.
Its all meaningless,
But, im not out of reach, im just hiding in the shadows.
You cant do a thing, since you cant see in the dark."

 

"Im not a bookworm,

But i will eat up everything you say.

Sometimes, its more important

to be able to move on after crashing down,

 to build everything up from the start."

http://sannusuicidal.blogspot.com/2010/08/i-come-from-hell-i-dont-come-alone.html

Its the best damn heart anyone could have wished for.

And its still thumping harder that yours

ever could.

For you.

For me.

For the worthless world that still,

means the whole of my life to me.

The scars might remain and i might fall apart.

But you still will be waiting.

You wont leave my side.

And, i love you more than words can say.

I wish,

could I stay alive forever with you?

 

----

But you, you make the emptyness in me

you make it ache

Thanks to you, being able to have so many emotions.

Im thankful.

Im alive

-------------

When it comes to you .im like all the people i hate

my mind makes you perfect,

and even tho i prolly know all your flaws,

far better than my own,

before my eyes, they all just dissapear.

But you know I dont love you.

That selfish word,could never express me.

It would never make you understand,

and these feeling are worth much more.

I wouldnt cry for you, I wouldnt die,

but i will smile and keep living on.

---------

Its like walking into a dream ,

and you know somewhere behind one of the lifes corners

its secretly hiding

and like a murderer

it will take you to your slowest suicide.

And you will end where you began.

------

How can i take away the very same hope that i gave?

I just dont have that kind of heart. Just dont.

But even so i do love you too.

But your just not the only one i love.

but then again

maybe you are its really hard to tell.

You dont love me,

you just want to catch the unreachable.

or whatt?

------------

Im so tired, of all your games.

Just so tired, as a dead man in its chest

after living 100 years.

-----------

In the end I already know,

not a drop of blood will be left in my heart

not a drop of happyness will be left in my veins

and there wont be nothing but emptyness

in my brain, in my mind. 

------------

Just dont give up.

just dont.

cause you dont have to.

never.

Dont let anyone take that from you.

And even if that were to happen,

you know where to find me.

I will give you everything back

if not much more.

Cause i can. 

-----------

All the toughts in my head

seem somewhere far away.

All the feelings ,

i dont think its even possible to feel more neutral

about everything.

Its as if i had none.

If it gets quiet..

i will know.

The storm, its on the way.

But all that, just doesnt matter.

---------

I have been waiting for you to say something,

to do something

but i guess, Things dont just happens as fast

as id like, with me standing still.

Cause i always have to do everything on my own.

Since i met you, i have been slightly

happier, cause the laughter that you give me

is too big to be put in just words.

I find it amazing to have met you. :] 

----------

Im like a kid, 

Dont become my toy.

---------

I have been hiding,been running, been crying, been smiling,

laughing, i have been fighting

and i have forgotten

so when things that reminded me of the forgotten

started to come up

i broke down.

but, its just that...

cats always fall on theyr feet ;) 

 

----------------

So i think you should go and screw with the bitch

called "Life" for a while instead of trying to smother me

with aother bunch of bullshit.

Thanksalot.

With love "Suicide" 

-----------

No need to worry, Its wasting time.

 My world really is, Its bigger then your problems and its bigger thn me. 

Im miles from where you are and I Pray that somethin picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms. <3

I Love that song so much <3 Im addicted to it. I could listen to it every minute of the day.<3

Dont tell me if im dying cause i dont want to know <3

That voice, I love it <3

Lets do that <3

I want Lemons.
I have been wanting lemons for hours.
Im still stupidly happy.Maybe im not sober .
I opened the fridge.
We have tons of lemons.
Why didnt i go and look when i started wanting lemons?
Why want lemons for hours just to realize you actually could have had em
the moment you started wanting em or even before just in case that you might start wanting em later.
I dont know.
I dont get it.

The juice in this cup, has been standin here for ages.
What am i waiting for?
Hopin it will turn into wine?
GAH!
So silly.

Im in a different dimension today.

I made me some food.
I ate it.
Now i feel sick,
I ate too much o.o
Am still hungry.



and the video i promised XD 

I would travel to the other side of the world, I would cross the universe to spend even a minute with you.
Just so i could walk back home with this big cheesy smile all over my face and keep giggling infront of myself.
I bet It looks pretty effin retarded,Its so random.
But i love it, this feeling .I will be smiling all day today.
Im just so stupidly happy.
I have been infected with your Positive Attitude.
Gah :D





I love that song
Its so true.
And I feel so too. :D

Finally, vaba päev.
Mul on pudel ülivana viskit, sildid kulunud ja ämblikuvõrke täis.
Muusika mängib, kohvi joon.

I wish i could share my emotions with someone.
But theres  noone here.
Noone,

Esimene paus,
tööl passin.
Ei teagi miks ma läppari kaasa tassisin.
I hate today.
Aga nüüd ootamas 2 vaba.
Ouyeah.
viimased ponnistused :D
ja 8 sõuab ka järjest lähemale.
RAHA RAHA RAHAAAA
Alkohol ja grillimine ouyeah.

Crack. Dont , crack.

 True, I love it,

Pierces trought the mold. 

So can I? Be me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT6EBGuoGAA&feature=related

Gosh i so love whats written in it. I mean it, i Love it.

Lets, Light up the town and yell out loud?

Its true, 

Tagasi tööle, paus on läbi.
Kõigest 6 tundi veel .
Natuke vähem.
Ouyeah.
Ja siis kaks 12h päeva ees veel.
Yay.
V no okei tegelt suht peaaegu 13h tuleb välja :D
Ouyeaaaaa,
8,ndal on palgapäev.
Võiks rutem tulla.
Ausalt.


Peral on tuuline.
Jup.
muusika mängib.
Ma oleks ka täna tahtnud mune värvida.
Grillida ja sõpradega niisama aega kulutada.
It was such a perfect day..
Või no, sealt pimedas poes passides tundus nii.
Päike on liiga ere.
I must now carry on.
Cya.

Ma olin klaasist, sa olid tuli mis mind endasse haaras,
ma lõin sillerdama, minu vorm muutus, ma ärkasin ellu,
sest sinu kuumus oli piisav .
See on külg minust, mida sina enam kunagi ei näe.
See mida sa suutsid ükskord, ei kordu enam.
Ma olen nüüd tulekindel.


Minu vorm on muutumatu, minu pind ei sillerda,
ja sinu leek, ei mata mind enam enda alla.
Eal.

Hüvasti kallis.

Sügavik , millest välja ronimine võttis praktiliselt neli aastat.
Nagu mägironija, ma taas laskun tasapisi alla.
Vanad haavad järkjärgult rebenevad lahti.
Ja nii lihtsalt ongi.

Ma ei tea, kuidas seda takistada
Ma ei tea, kes mind suudaks aidata.

Ja nii on ka okei,
sest mind ju ei huvita.

Minu hingeõhja oaasid,
tasapisi kuivavad kokku.
Pilt muutub häguseks,
ma ei tea , mis suunas edasi liikuda.
Otsustusvõimetus röövib oma osa energiast , sellest
viimasest.
Jalutan edasi ja tagasi, ikka edasi ja siis jälle tagasi.
Minu eesmärk ei olegi kõrgustesse küündida aga
minu olematu uhkus üritab mind takistada veel madalamale laskumast.

Ma olen täpselt see sama klaastrepp, mida mööda
sa jalutasid ülesse , mis sinu kuumuse all lõi sillerdama ,
muutus millekski muuks ning sa ei saanud enam teda pidi
ülesse ronida.

Ma ei ole muutunud, samas olen ka, aga siiski ei ole.

Võite panna jah.

Gah, niiiiiiiiiii väsinud.

Jalad valutavad, ausalt.

muusika mängib , sannu koristab. 

Pätu tripib siiapoole 

Üldse hetkel, Väga paljud avastavad, 

et ma olen olemas.

Bairoh on haigem kui mina.

Treatment= your penis

Meds= weed

SINCE WHEN :D 

Aga olgu . 

Jään ootama , 

oma raviprotseduure. 

Kõlab nagu suur karbitäis naeru.

Toopäev, ma seisin perroooonil , 

mööda maad libises liblikas, 

ma nägin , kuidas ta veel paar viimadt tiivalööki tegi ,

ja siis liikumatult maha jäi.

Ma tõstsin ta kõrvale. 

Ei tahtnud, et keegi ta tükkideks talluks.

Karl says:
 "Venemaal on suur maavärin, ligi 50000 inimest saab surma jne suur jama kokkuvõttes. USA saadab telke, Saksamaa ravimeid, Prantsusmaa toitu, kuid kõige hinnalisem annetus saabub Eestist: 50000 uut venelast."

Feel special, oled ka mu blogis nüüd:D

Lubasin Antsule video teha. 

Eks homme teen siis vast.

Lollakas nagu ma olen, raudselt unustan jälle.

Vittu vittu vittu vittu,
Ma ikka nii oskan ennast matta. Putsi lihtsalt no.
Ei Really,
Mul ei olegi rohkem midagi öelda.

Ime võmpa. Ketra lõnga.

Hommik, Ma ei mäleta kuidas see saabus aga TÜRA see on ilus.

Ei, mitte türa vaid ikka hommik eks.

Pätu ütles, et tuleb nv külla :3 Ülimalt armas.

Kumalane taob ennast vastu akent, 

nagu marutõbine lehm, ma võin oma pea panti panna, et 

kui selle sita suu vähe suurem oleks ajaks ta sealt valget vahtu ka välja, 

nagu jobi, tilguks olematule või noh 

veel mite tärganud murule seega mustja mulla rabedale pinnale.

Taevas on sinine, Päike paistab

Tra sitt mine tööle mitte ära kepi akent.

Pereasrstikeskuss.

Medicover.

Vanaema juurest ka vaja läbi minna.

MA EI VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITSI.

Aga ma lähen ikka.

Ongi põhjust , mingeid riideid kuskilt kaevandada.

Ongi põhjust, igast hooradel ja võmpnägudel mind passida.

Ei ma ei ole 9-sas ilmaime ja iga nurgapeal on tegelikult 

palju huvitavamaid asju mida vahtida. 

Võibolla su elu ei oleks nii perses ka, 

kui sa tegeleks ükskõik mille muu kui teiste inimeste kommenteerimisega

Ei asi pole tegelikult kommenteerimises

see võiks isegi sisse tuua 

AGA TÜRA HOOOOOR

kedagi ei huvita mida sina oma koleda roosa ollusega töötled

kuidas saakski,

sinna roosasse ollusesse see sul pidama jääbki,

nagu oleks sündides suu peale kukkund.

Ütleks, et pussy , 

aga pole mõtet, ega midagi muud

sellistel paskadel jalgevahel ju ei ole.

FU,FU,FU.FU but oh im so fucking somone else.

I feel so sad,

I feel so sad i could cry you AN OCEAN.

I feel so sad.

YOU 

Made me feel so sad. 

Right now, I feel so sad.

Right now, I hate being here.

But when i wake up 

tomorrow morning.

I will be fine.

Theres nothing wrong.

Its just that

Right now, Im so sad.

I could cry you the universe 

And another, 

more brilliant world.

Right now, 

I want to walk in the dark.

Right now, 

I want it to be cold 

Right now,

Im just so sad.

Right now, 

I could smile at you 

and assure that

theres really nothing wrong.

Right now, 

Im just another liar

Right now,

Im just so sad 

Right now, 

I could paint you the sky 

In black and white 

Right now, 

Whatever you do 

Im just so sad, 

That all i can do is smile.

hmph.

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Kiirabi, Kiirabi.

Ma tahaks lükata käega eemale, mustad kardinad oma akna eest. Päikest tahaks.Mitte nii nagu hetkel, et nahatoon muutub küll suvega tooni kaks tumedamaks, tedretäpid löövad välja, kuid sees valitseb endiselt
täielik sügis, mitte see ilus, kollasepunaseoranzi kirju , vaid see vihmane , niiske, hall. Tunne justkui oleks sa laudadest kokku lapitud kastis, millesse vett voolab sisse ja külm tuuleiil puhub läbi.

Kohvi, minu uus armastud, ei see mitte lihtsalt ei maitse mulle, ma ei saaks ilma selleta elada, ma saaks tegelikult aga ma ei taha, mitte hetkel. Varajased hommikud, pikad päevad tööl , mida ma ometi mõtlesin? Ma ei kurda, mulle meeldib , ausalt meeldib, samas ei meeldi ka.
Komad , liiga palju komasid, liiga palju agasid, liiga palju , lihtsalt liiga palju kõike.

Minu uus list asjadest mida ma teen. Punkt punkti haaval, muudab see mu tugevamaks, paremaks,
viib mu sammukese lähemale minu küündimatu ideaali poole. Küündimatu? Miks? Sest nii on parem.
Ma pole ammu ennast nii pikalt eesti keeles väljendanud. Pole vaja olnud. Enamus jutust on loba, lihtsalt loba.
Vaikushetked vajavad täitmist, ma naudin vaikust, ma vihkan seda, aga ma vajan seda.Lobapidamatus.Ja mis siis?

Viirastuslikud kujud laes, õhtuses pimeduses helendavad tähed taevas. Ekstaas, ma tahaks tunda, kuidas mu süda taob, veri kohiseb kõrvus ja ma tahaks joosta, teadmatust tahaks.
Ma tean liiga palju , ma tean inimesi liiga hästi. Ma tean seda ka, et oleks parem kui ma ei teaks, sest oma teadmisi ma ju niguinii enda kasuks ei kasuta. Miks ma peakski? Ma olen liiga palju haiget saanud, Liiga palju haiget teinud. Aitab, ma ei viitsi enam.
Ma ei taha enam.
Ma suudan veel naeratada, minu naeratus on ainuke asi, mis mind kunagi ei jäta.
kõik muu võib olla kaduv. Minu naeratus mitte.

Minu minevik on nagu suur must lind, mis on mind oma tiibadega täielikult kinni katnud, minu ümber on must suitsupilv, ma ei näe sellest läbi.
Mis juhtus? Miks?
Mina ise juhtusin. Muud midagi.
Mul on ükskõik, see pole oluline.
Ma korrutan seda koguaeg eks?


 Aga aitab.
Ma lõpetan.
Ma ei tantsi enam teiste muusika saatel, sest mul on enda muusika.
Ma tahan nüüd, olla, kes ma tegelikult olen, teha kõike seda, mida teised mul siiani ei lasknud.
Pigem ehk, mida ma ise ennast tegema ei sundinud.

Ciao.


Ma pidin täna verd andma.
Ma tahtsin karjudes ära joosta, ma tahtsin nutta, ma tahtsin nii palju asju,
aga
Ma istusin seal tuima näoga ja vaatasin kuidas veri potsikusse voolas,
Peas , sisemuses täielik kaos.
Tal oli õigus.
Minu tuhat maski ja jäine külmus,
Kui sa neid teaks, arvaks sinagi et need on hirmutavad.

Explanaitons, What have I been doing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g12zXlt6ySY ------------------> Frank :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbNlMtqrYS0 -------------------> Bairoh :D

Gah , so silly, so different .


Anyways As to what i have been up to lateley, I have been working, working working and drinking.
Chillin with Bairoh, Then there were the evening in keil i spent with Kristiina.
And yeah, thats bout it ,
Anyways Its been quite fun.
Im sick atm.
Thats not so fun.

Also , I felt like i should explain something i never have explained before.
You know , I said i hated the phrase I love you and the word Love cause
My family and the people around me, turned it into something , meaningless.


But you know, The truth is..



Original Video - More videos at TinyPic



Oh and now imma show you my awsomeness.

Im sorry its like 2 weeks late :D

I Adore you Alari :3

Sometimes i wish youd rip me into 1000
pieces and shatter around the world,
cause somewhere in my heart
I refuse to let anything in but pain.

Even if every cell of me is working on
escaping from you,
My soul is screaming No,
and begging it to stop.
But what can thin air do?

nböHOWEJK

I so have had enough of this,
But theres no way , to end it.
I just cant stop myself.


I hate this game your playing.
I must maintain my distance.

.

Not a single fuck was given today , 

Not a single answer was recieved, 

Not a single mask was shattered, 

Not a single emotion uncontrolled.

ktnxbai

I want to,

Gahh i want to ask so many things.
I want to know,
I dont understand anything right now.
But i do know 2 things,
1. Asking one question would create 1000 more.
2.I will know it all , once the time comes.


So , for the first time in my little worthless life,
Im waiting.
Just silently waiting.

I dont even know what im waiting for.


You prolly have like 10000000 questions you would like to ask yourself,
you too are just waiting.

For now, i will let it be.

-------------------------------


I had a dream, I was drowning.
Looking up from the crystal clear water up towards the
dazzling sky , I realized
 no matter how many times i look up, Its still
too dazzling for me.
Even if i tried reaching up to it or hide my eyes behind ny hand,
Its still too dazzling for me.

~nov 8 2009.

I dont really want to be left behind alone,
but i know i can survive it anyways.


You shoulnd judge me by my stupidity,
by my smile nor by what i do or say.
You shouldnt judge me at all.

~nov 10th 2009


Life is like a pack of sigarettes, you dont hesitate to smoke them
until you only have one left. Then ou stop for a moment and think if you should keep it for later, but the thing is, you can alwats buy a new pack of cigarettes but you cant buy a new life, and starting from a white blank page is impossible . there are already inkspots on it even if your too blind to notice em at first.

I must admit I am a sinking ship, but i cant sink.
On that ship there are people i must save before I sink.
And even if it was just me,
I do beleve
That i too deserve to be saved.

Its like one moment your here, the next one your gone.
Did you turn around the corner and dissapeared from my sight
or did you poof to a whole nother world?
Is there anyone who knows?
Cause my words cant reach you,
Even if i called your name,
I dont think youd hear me.

~15 nov 2009.

Im not really alone, I have never felt this alone tho.
So why is it that even tho there are so many people there is noone.
I just hate being alone...
All the time.

~16 nov 2009.



I still agree to em all ,
every tough written here,
I still feel the same. I do,

I decide.

Ne, The first smile of mine you ever saw, do you remember?
I wonder , what it made you think.

Yesterday i failed.
Im sorry.

I had a dream.

I just hugged you , while i slipped an icecube under your coat,
It melted on its way down your back.
You asked me why?
Just so i could warm you up, was the awnser,
i held you tighter then i had ever held anyone in my arms,
God , just let my feelings reach him i tought.
You awakaned me,
My aura black , so black you could see it , it craked,
Flames splashed trough it and
light green sprouts broke their way trough,
in the end it bloomed, pink, and turquise
but at the part where my heart was,
the flames were still blue.
You took a picture,
you could see it all.

" You know whats funny? the fact that noone will beleve that this is real."


--------------------------

I had a dream , it was spring,
we were on  a field with lotsa flowers.
Butterfly , stoped on me,
you softly blew it away
"Im jealous of everything that touches you and is not me, even of the clothes your wearing,"
"I just might love you after all" I replied with the biggest smile.
That moment i knew, i was the first, to say that first.

----------------------

The warmest feeling of all ,
you gave it to me,
thats why i beleve you
will also give me the coldest someday,
make me realize
that the world still knows how to freeze.

"------------------------"

The one i was supposed to continue, i couldnt find that notebook, but i will give it to you later ,
for now, this will do.

Somehow everything seems empty
Snow its white, beautiful and distant.
Every time i reach my hand out to it, it melts to nothing.
as soon as it touches me.
Im scared that when i reach my hand out..
everything else.. 
might just melt away like that too , 
and slip trought my fingers, 
drop by drop.

~6th nov 2009.

I do not know what kind of plans may life have with me, 
but i do know what are my plans with my life.

The littlest things are the most important ones in life, 
Those littlest things are causing the biggest part of me
to break down.

Growing up is the part of life everyone has got to fall trough.
The way we grow up and the time it takes is different but 
in the end we all grow up anyways.
'Im not sure when that hapens... 
I miss the days when i didnt really need a reason to smile 
when i didnt really know what life was like 
and when such little things that now make me worry just made me laugh out loud.

There were times , when i could dance in the rain and smile.
Now i still thank the sky for the rain ,
but the reasoning is different.
Now it just feels like the world is laughing over me 
when the sun shines so bright on the days ,
when its raining my heart.

~7th nov 2009

Isnt it kind of unfair we are just brought to this time and space 
so we could suffer and die in the end?
I dont know if the good memories can really make up for the bad ones and 
if making somone smile or smiling can make us forget the tears we have cried,
but i too am trying to think that there must be more to life then just this.

I feel like im screaming in a sound-proof room, 
and even tought the walls are made of glass and everyone can see me screamin
they just dont care what im trying to say.
I dont think that it will ever change , 
Or maybe when its already too late,,

People say that the bigger you get the bigger dreams you will have but i think 
that when you are young your dreams are the biggest of all , 
cause you actually aint scared to dream big , 
you dont know 
they might never come true.

Even tho this is my life it seems, 
everyone else knows better how i should live it.

im a emo hippi clown?
life aint a carneval ,
get over it and grow up 
or you just might end yo being one yourself.

My guardian angel , aint pure white, 
one of its wings must be black and tattered, 
i am the same way ,,,
me and my angel we are the same.

Someday somehow i will make my dreams come true, 
I think i own that to myself.

~8th nov 2009.

You cant have me ,You cant!

I feel your hand moving up and down
Caressing my tummy,
as it moves over my ribs
it gives me shivers,
I like it,
then i realize, i dont know who you are
i try to move
but my body refuses to ,
the shivers start to scare me ,
i try to force my eyes open ,
finally!
but I still cant move ,
as your black figure lingers infront of my eyes,
then dissapears,
and its all gone.

Im awake, wide awake.

-----------------------

Again that old place , a house inside a house,
its huge,
i remember it being a theater ages ago ,
Entrance is on its 4th floor,
Doctors everywhere, its a hospital now.
I meet up with 3 of them ,
We sit, and we talk,
I have cancer and then they start chasing me around with
needles,
I refused from treatment,
only one of them doesnt , but then again she doesnt help me either,
as i try to get out of the building,
i get out of it and i am ,
oh i even know where i am .
Suddenly im walking on stilts and try to run away from the security guards
chasing me,
Somone tries to help me, I dont know who he is,
I run i get stuck in the snow,
dead body of somone famous saves me,
for a moment there
everyone forgets me, but for some reason i run back into that hospital
as the doctors find me
 i manage to get the needles in my hand and thrust em into ones chest.
Suddenly im in the toilet, talking to somone trying to escape from the security again ,
then im outside , standin at the busstop talking to him on the phone,
partying,
and then im back in that hospital ,
desperatly trying to run away ,
I remember its structure, that huge building inside of that other
 I remember seeing all those faces ,
all those places ,
ages ago , ages ago,
I know them ,
Maybe nothing has changed,
and in the end,
i dont remember ,
going out of that hospital ,
I didnt get away.
I didnt, ...

.

I know what you want.
I want it too.
I only need to hear it from you.

hehh,

You know it, but still do.

You know it, you care too much, but you still do,
You know it, you think too much but you still do,
You know it, your afraid of answers,
So you dont ask questions.
But you still do wonder.

We are worth so much more, I swear.
Lets make it happen.
Everything we ever wanted,
Lets go and take it.

Cause we can. <3

,,---------------------"

Its darker thn balck, I am the Sin for everyone to  commit. Sinful, I am the Saint.A complete beast still just a silly kid. Blame the penguins, you will never be able to tell what the real me is like.The Real, real me without a fake smile, all these masks without fear and tears.100% Sannu, not the alienish girl you think you know.But as far as i know you prolly really dont care at all.Oh well guess what??? I can pretend not to care far better thn you in fact I dont even have to pretend when it comes down to you all.I just dont care, I dont have to. I choose not to waste my emotions.YOU ARE EMPTY BITCH! I on the other hand only care about treasure islands not empty boxes, deserted islands that have been burnt into ashes. There is nothing to see, Nothing to discover , just dark grey bullshit that makes you gough and trys to suffocate you as if it actually had free will and hands. Quite facinating, aint it? I JUST HATE YOU! You is nothing but selfishness and arrogance, ignorance and fakeness. I would consider you worthless but life has its own turns and one way or another im stuck with you.What do you consider me to be? Who do you think I am? You know im not a piece of paper for you to scribble on, I am not at your disposal.Being me hurts alot, but that is prolly my own fault.No matter what you still sometimes make me smile,.BEING SANNU JUST AINT ENOUGH. I am still sure there is much more for me to be then just Sannu Suicidal and whatever you might say i am Spectacular.Being me is one of the things sience will never be able to prove, your mind will never agree to, only thunder might know, cause we are soulmates.It might be cause of that that I am still missing my other half.It hasnt struck me. Blood is thicker then the water in the river of memories.This river is running trough my veins and mind way faster Its almost as if life was nearing to its end.I can see it all clearly passing by. The river starts to overflow, the flood is getting stronger, and the 7 seas of my mind are getting stormy as the waves rapidly start to grow.I would like to sleep for a while, I want to feel it slowly freeze. I WANT IT ALL TO STAND STILL. Just do. When my heart stops beating, just come and kickstart it again.I just might love you to death then. Im just a little bit slow, Dont cry cause of me, I am not worth it.Whatever my selfish self does i still want to see you smile.So instead of being sad, just smile and live for all the good times still to come. Its worth it, I swear.Beleve me. Somone like me would know all about it. I really do. I know way more thn I would like to.But its not like i can jusr forget everything like that.I can only forgive everyone including me. DOT DOT DOT YOU MADE ME CRY, YOU THREW ME DOWN. I cant blame anyone but me. I really am stupid, really really stupid. I cant beleve it was you who i spent so much time thinking about. I wish i could hate you, but here i am waiting for you to call just so I somehow could fix everything again. Its not really even my mess, so I dont know, Why I am even bothering with it.If you dont want it to be fixed like I do, I would rather if you just killed me.Im just tired of fighting alone for somone elses sake. In the end, this fight too prolly wont benefit me at all, instead i will lose something far more important. JUST GET OUT. Out of my head.  Im so sorry, I really do hate the two faced person I am.I wonder if there is anything i could do to fix it all. Cause I think you are special. I wish i could just turn back time and do it all again. I have too many regrets atm. I'M REALLY STUPID. Am I not? HaHa.I feel so much better now. Seems like talking things straight always helps.I still feel like I am the one at fault tho. I should be more honest with myself and say all the things straight into peoples faces, not consider their feelings that much. I know im too considerate about everyone elses feelings. But I seem to forget I should only be like that when it comes to the people whos feelings actually matter to me. SCREW YOU. 


To be continued...

Diaries of the girl whos gone.

Find me if you can.

   In my little dirty mind full of bullshit and worthless emotions, I have prolly already traveled trought the whole world, the universe and been on every star, even on the ones not seen from earth.I still am, just a kid full of flaws.Im far from perfect but at least i dont let that little thing ruin my everyday life.I find it quite funny how much i have cried over pointless things, but then again on those times i really must have found em to be really important.At the moment i feel kind of empty,  Im just writing cause i cant sleep for some reason.You know I just cant stop thinking about why things are the way they are, why am I who I am today and how did i become this empty person.I am happy but then again, Im not.I am cause i can be, but im not cause i feel that there is something missing.Might be a part of myself, someone i have lost,something i gave up,Something i still havent found. I DONT FUCKEN KNOW! It would be pointless to ask, cause i dont reply to questions i dont like.I prolly am just afraid to say it out loud,all the insane things running around in the Nile of my mind.Afraid that you cant accept me the way I am.Just being this alien I dont really know anything about the world but Im still trying to dance along with the unknown group of retards surrounding me to this melody i have never heard before.I tend to mess up alot, people always laugh, I do too.About the silly things that actually matter to me, they laugh even louder, I dont, It hurts.That might be why I always try to act so tought, promise to beat you up, and laugh out loud as if i didnt care at all. Maybe if you listen, you can hear the bitterness and pain in my voice. In reality , I CARE WAY TOO MUCH. in fact i care way more thn your average person about many weird things and about all the things i already ages ago pushed you into beleveing i dont.Cause i find it easier to live when noone knows my weaknesses.Yes, I know that that very same thing just might be my biggest weakness of all.In my mind i always try to desperately find excuses for people hurting me cause its my fault they dont know but thats prolly only how it works in my mind cause somehow i feel that my heart is still blameing em hiding deeper into the depths of the treasure chest with big black enormous lock.I guess its fine, somone surely will manage to open it.MY MIND NEVER AGREES WITH MY HEART. City lights are blocking my wiev , I cant see clearly but its fine they will soon die out.I will be able to see all the stars in the sky.In my mind i will be counting how many there are, in my heart  i will be hoping to make a wish on a falling star.I might be stupid to hope to see em , cause the unseen things tend to matter more, but why not, since thats what i have eyes for.Im slowly trying to recover from sitting in the dark for far too long, Sun is really bright, makes me wonder if such amazing things really should be seen by the likes of me.Can i scream? New days will bring many unkown things, the wind depending on its strenght is bringing changes, breaking down trees on its way.Two hands, Im holding my hat, wouldnt want it to blow my mind away like that.Ne, Do you think im weird?I hope these toughts never cross your mind.Its pityful , what has come of me.This person still needs tons of training to become who i want to be.Its cause im weak that i can still become much much stronger.I will do what i can,Be who i can and become who i want to be. STRENGHT IS MORE THN JUST MUSCLES N BODYFAT. Mentality, use it . Sannu is a brainfucker ^^. DONT BLAME ME. I just am who I am.I do all these stupid,silly,wreckless,pointless,weird things.I might have lots of regrets, I wouldnt know, I have never spent any time on thinking about it.I have done so many stupid things in these 17, almost 18 years that its actually amazing to be alive.The walks on the beach, Singing to the stars, running cause of fear, loseing everything there is to.I still try to keep moving foward to once again smile from the bottom of my heart.But it feels empty , as if it was something impossible to reach. MY HEART IS BOTTOMLESS

To be continued...

If you hate me, I really dont care.

NEWSFLASH:

I dont live to please you.

There is a glass lily in my heart,

Please shatter it with your finger.

Minu meeled on maailmale suletud,

minu ööd on üksikud ja unetud.

Ma olen nagu elav surnu,

must kass kes üksi katusel lööb nurru.

Minu hääl kajab vaikses öös,

surm hetkeks lõpetab ta töö

Minu hääl, see mis kuulutab surma 

nagu must mõrvar , 

kes öös sooritab mõrva.

Minu silmad, 

helk punasem kui rubiin 

ja minust taas saab must kass,

kui möödub tuuleiil.

Forget the risk and take the fall,

if its what you wish its worth it all.

Vana maja, tühi plats,vana kasutu turg,

keset välja jalutav üksik kurg,

üksik, mööda ilma rändav rahutu hing

terav, torkiv, nähtamatu pind

rõve,kleepuv tatt,

kõrgushüppe kõrguslatt

üks kaotatud, vale otsus

ajatu hüüe, mis tänavasse kostus.

Ma avan silmad ja ärkan 

justkui lill ma tärkan 

kiirelt kao igavikku 

kukun kõrgelt kuristikku

piinlen, kannatan ja karjun

lõpuks oma valuga harjun

ma olen ükskõikne, rahutu hing

sinu südames olev terav pind

ma olen justkui surnud

kuid tea, minu plaanid ei nurjund

Ma olen su valu , õnnetus ja piin

Ma olen su lohutus su viin

Ma olen su hing, ma olen sina

Ma olen su valu, see kõik teeb sest minast mina

Ma olen lihtsalt mina,

Katteloor, sinul lasuv valge lina

ma olen surm,elu ja valu 

ma olen tuules kohisev puudesalu

Ma olen kõiksus ja kõiksus on mina

Ma olen viha, vees jahtunud tina

Ma olen see olev, mis on olematu

Ma olen see tulev, mis on tulematu

Ma olen maailm, ma olen tühine

Ma olen leek, meri mis enam ei mühise

ma olen miski, mida ei ole.

ma olen hetk , minevik, olevik mida pole

Ma olen mina

kogu maal lasuv uskumuste lina

Ma olen nägija, ma olen pime

Ma olen maailm ja maailm on ime.

Your an ass, but i aint any better ;D

NEWSFLASH: 

I dont live to make you happy.

As long as we live ,

time passes us by 

and we wont get it back when we die.

I can put back all the pieces , 

but they might not fit the same.

I dont know WHY  

I dont know HOW 

but i really dont care.

Im beautyful inside, 

I just dont care at all.

Ma vihkan ennast, et armastan sind

kuid meie vahel, on vaid katkine sild

minu tunded, kõik kukuvad alla

kinnihoitud tunded, pääsevad valla

Mul on valus, rusuvalt raske

tunnetel ja mul palun kaduda laske

sest minu südames on klaasist lill

tuul tekitav häält, justkui oleks ta pill

sinu sõrmed lõhkusid mu ära

kuid siiani sind armastan ma siin ja täna

Aga kui issi teada sai, et ma temast tema seljataga 

paska olin puhunud saatis too all maa yakuza

mulle usast tulnud igatpidi igasmõttes lilla

härra OO kallale.

Ei tea , kuidas minu issi vastasmeeskond 

selle endale teatavaks tegi, 

aga lollakad nad olid, et usukusid,

et olen võimas.

Ah yes, Good old times.

Silly little sannu.

Stupid,

just stupid.